My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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