Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
