Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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