Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize