I seem to have left my pride at pride
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
