i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
