found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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