Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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