I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
