i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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