I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
