Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
