Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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