No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
