what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
