it hurts more in the daytime
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
