wakey wakey hands off snakey
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
