i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
