he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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