we have pet lesbian snakes
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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