dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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