fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
