I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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