If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
