TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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