I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
