sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
