I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
