he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize