I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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