i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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