Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize