when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
