I think my vagina is haunted
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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