under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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