I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You can't motorboat a personality
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
