Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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