party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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