I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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