so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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