I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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