Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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