Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
