thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
