We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
