can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
