I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
