Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
