In the future we'll all be gay
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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