also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I can text with my tongue
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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