somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
