were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
