So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize