first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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