I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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