I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
